Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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