is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
she told me i tasted like america
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
