i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
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I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
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And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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