The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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