The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
