Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I just found puke in my bra..
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
