when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
