I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
