I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
