Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
