I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
It's official drugs can't kill me
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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