I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Randomize
