i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
