I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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