I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
