at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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