I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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