Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
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We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
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I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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