I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
