I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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