based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
