Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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