just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.