i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities