go do what you do best...puke behind churches
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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