I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
