I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
