i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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