Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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