I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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