In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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