New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
