i don't plan on having that self control this summer
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
