Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Randomize
