I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Randomize
