My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
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Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
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We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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