hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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