Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
