Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
