He disabled his match.com account in front of me
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
