A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
