Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
