i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
