So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He better not be in your backpack
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
