I wish my penis had an off switch
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
