got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
