mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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