dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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