so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
