feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
