If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
