you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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