Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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