last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
