I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
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I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
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so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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